10 tips if contemplating divorce

If you are Contemplating divorce, or are separated already, here are ten tips to consider:

• Children
  Divorce affects kids – all of them – any age – even the ones that are born after the split. If you believe that because your child is not talking much about it and they are not showing any signs of stress, consider that they may be storing up all their pain and anger and that it may show in devastating ways later. The sooner they can talk through their emotions the better. At every stage of life and emotional maturity, they will need to revisit all their emotions so that they do not carry all the pain into their own marriage.
• Raising your children.
  Your pain is great, but consider what is happening to your children. They have no control over what is happening and it is up to the adults to raise them well. You and your ex need to work out common rules and expectations for your children. Talk to them about their feelings. Respond to them with concern, love, and acceptance. They need to know from you that it is OK to feel angry, sad, confused, and happy – all at the same time – every day! Do not talk bad about your ex to your children – they are your ex’s children also and trashing your ex is trashing your children. Remember, your children’s view of your ex is not the same as yours and you should not try to make it so.
• Visitation
  How about leaving the children in one home, and the parents move back and forth each week. Sounds horrible doesn’t it? Why should we think it is easier for the kids to move back and forth? When they move back to your home, and they seem all upset, we tend to blame the ex for getting them all upset while they were over at his or her home. But this us usually not the case – it is normally because the children are being uprooted once again – which is giving them a huge feeling of instability. Think about what it would be like for you to sell your home and move to a new one – every week!
• Four top things that children tell us in their support groups:

  “My parent’s divorce is all my fault”
  “I am all alone - no one else has gone through the pain that I am suffering”
  “My parents use me as the messenger to tell the other parent what they want them to hear. I hate that. Tell them yourself”
  “My parents fight in front of me. I hate that”
  “My parents don’t tell me what is happening. Tell me the truth”
  "My parent says bad things about my other parent. It feels like you are saying those things about me" (Never rip your ex in front of your child - it is so destructive to the child)
  

• Emotional Support
  You will need emotional support. Your are ripping apart your life and no one can do that without help to remain stable. You need close friends you can trust and you will benefit from the help offered by a support group. Find excellent support at: http://www.rainbows.org/search.asp in the USA and http://www.rainbows.ca/findrainbows.aspx in Canada. There is also great support at: http://www.divorcecare.org/findagroup All three of these sites will direct you to a support group for you and for your children
• Finances
  Your finances will take a huge beating. Your lifestyle will drop a few notches. Plan your finances carefully. If you cannot afford the cost of something and are tempted to put it on your credit card, stop and think; If I cannot afford the cost, how will I be able to pay the cost PLUS the exhorbitant interest costs associated with a credit card?
• Forgiveness
  You owe it to your self to forgive your partner. Forgiveness will set you free, lack of forgiveness will turn to bitterness and will destroy you. Lack of Forgiveness is the chain that the ex can yank anytime and control your life.
• Restoration
  Most people think that getting rid of that spouse will solve their problems. Typically, it only adds even more issues and more pain. If there is any way that both of you are willing to work at it, the rewards are tremendous. Find a good counselor and work at restoring your marriage.
• Mediation or Litigation
  Going the legal route is horrendously expensive – count on $30,000.00 each. If you are willing to mediate, find a good mediator and go that route. The cost is lower and the dispersal of assets is usually more fair. Try for fair – do not try to gouge the ex – this drives up all the costs – financial, time, and emotional.
• “We are staying together for the kid’s sake”
  Certainly breaking up is better than constantly fighting, but how much better would it be if you could stay together in love – and model that for the children. Get help. Work harder at your marriage than you do at your job. Why should marriage be easier than other worthwhile things in life? Occasionally marriages must break up, but more often, marriages can be made very successful with some work. Consider that about 40 – 50% of marriages end in divorce. But 70 – 80% of 2nd marriages and more than 90% of 3rd marriages end in divorce.